Correcting

Undesired

Behavior

with positive results
 

How children express their anger depends in large measure on how people have typically responded to that anger. This raises the important question: How should people respond to children when they express anger and hatred? Surely not with anger! That would be umpteen times more stupid and juvenile than the kid's anger! It is perhaps the most immature of all inappropriate parental responses to the inappropriate, annoying, age-typical behavior of children. To be angry is to be out of control.

Young children tend to be very outwardly expressive of their emotions-positive and negative. When angry, they let you know it in no uncertain terms. Though it is annoying, it isn't all bad. At least you know how they feel, and you have some well-defined behaviors to work on. Generally, when a child engages in a tirade of emotion, parents are best advised to just ignore it, despite all of its colorful splendor. It's likely nothing but a big play for attention, and is best left ignored.

As parents of older children (12 and older) do not be intimidated by verbal or gestural expressions of hatred. Do not be distraught or plunged into despair because you think you raised an ungrateful, selfish, mean, ugly kid! None of those descriptions of the child are any more accurate of his character than is "I hate you" an accurate expression of his feelings toward you.

Do not react in kind to kids' ugliness. Rather, in complete control, and being calm as a summer's morn, respond with empathy. Defuse the situation. In this regard, just a word of caution since it is so important to be in control and to respond appropriately. If the environment at the moment is so highly charged with emotion that it would be extra difficult to come up with a controlled response, buy some time. Say these words, or words to this effect: "Excuse me for a few minutes while I collect my thoughts. My head is spinning and I don't feel like I can be as rational as I want to be. I'll be back in a few minutes." This will give both you and your child times to calm down, and it will give you time to collect your thoughts, review your notes, and so on.

A 1982 study on the relationship between child temperament and parent-child relationship revealed that, "Child temperament was more strongly related to parent behaviors than to child behaviors. Children of parents who were negative, non-accepting, submissive, critical, disapproving, severe, and had low levels of interaction were more likely to have sever behavior problems." Parents, don't walk around the house with a long, expressionless face etched with grief, eyes and shoulders drooping, shaking your head back and forth in despair, hoping your kids will get the message to shape up. It won't work. Be the model of happiness and with-it-ness. Smile, stand and walk erect, laugh and joke. In a word, be "up!"

The message here is that in situations where parental expectations are clear to everyone and obviously in the best interest of the child and when it is evident that what is happening is nothing more than a power struggle over a matter that shouldn't be an issue, the understood expectations of behavior should be protected. Angry and hateful outbursts to the contrary should not be recognized. There is a better way of dealing with hate and anger.

Product References

Find more detailed examples, role-playing, experiences, and explanations in audio, visual, and printed media on our Products page..

The Power of Positive Parenting (book); pp 165-173

Christlike Parenting (book); pp 43, 77

Parenting With Love (book); p 60