Correcting

Undesired

Behavior

with positive results
 

Without question, the most stressful years for parents are when their children are between 13 and 20. Those years have been referred to as the age of raging hormonal imbalance. For what it is worth, they generally aren't any easier on kids than they are on their parents. We must keep in mind that we were once adolescents and were probably of as much concern to our parents as our kids are to us.

The concerns and frustrations of parents who are having problems with their teenagers tend to fall into two areas: a) being out of control, and b) being intimidated. Let's look at some specific things parent scan do to be in control, and what they can do to avoid being intimidated.

With young children, control tends to be quite easy. If a child doesn't do what he is told to do, he is simply made to do it. But as the child grows older and bigger, parents can't do that anymore. With adolescents, control is best achieved when the parents manage those things the children want. They make wanted things available on the basis of appropriate behavior. In this way, the things the children want do the controlling for you. Remember behavior is strengthened when what follows it pays it off.

Being in control means that you must first be in control of yourself, and then in control of those things your children want and value. You must learn to be calm, even when tempers are flaring. You must have a plan by which the privileges you control do the controlling for you. Remember with older children you can no longer directly control their behavior.

When teenagers say or do intimidating things, remain composed, be empathetic and understanding, remain firm and composed, have a well thought-out and rehearsed plan and, stand your ground. Do not try to physically control the behavior of a teenager unless you know for certain that it will not get out of hand. If a child does get physical to the point where it is harmful to you or others, call for help and let the child know you will press charges.

Use time to help cool things down. Put time between an emotional situation and a response. That helps cool things down so that a reasonable solution can be reached. Never try to work through a problem when emotions are high.

Avoid asking questions that are either going to create problems between you and your children or are simply a means of blowing off steam. Questions should only be asked to get information that is needed for problem solving. They should not be loaded down with a lot of useless emotional baggage.

Take an open-door policy to talking with your teens. The key to good talking is good listening. And "telling" is almost always counterproductive, or useless at best. There is probably nothing that is so immediately doomed for failure than is an attempt to "talk some sense into that kid's head."

Product References

Find more detailed examples, role-playing, experiences, and explanations in audio, visual, and printed media on our Products page..

The Power of Positive Parenting (book); pp 147-157, 283-298

Parenting Prescriptions (audio); tape: vol 2, side 1

Christlike Parenting (book); p 25