Correcting

Undesired

Behavior

with positive results
 

The refusal of children to do what they are told is another of the most common complaints I hear from parents. Though parents typically feel helpless to get their children to do as they are told, the problem is usually quite easy to solve when we keep two important points in mind.

First, we must remember that children don't see the world the same way we do as parents. The things that concern us are seldom of much concern to them. They don't see the urgency in things as we do. We must remember that all situations are not equally demanding. For example, in the morning when children are getting ready for school and the school bus is going to be there in a few minutes, there is little room for wasting time. On the other hand, if it's Saturday morning and a child is supposed to clean his bedroom, it may not make any difference whether the job is done by nine o'clock or ten o'clock or even by noon. One of the keys to getting children to do as they are told is to be sure they know exactly what is expected of them, including when the task is to be done and how well it is to be done. Be careful to not impose strict, unrealistically adult standards on children's performance. Also use cues as reminders of your expectations and role play your expectations.

The second point is that the consequences for complying or not complying should be immediate. Administer these consequences, both positive and negative, immediately, fairly, and in a manner that is consistent with the behavior. Let the consequences do the speaking for you. Role play the consequences.

Don't allow children to pull you into arguments over the logic or sense of what you expect them to do. Simply restate your expectations and leave it at that. With empathy and understanding, use the broken record strategy.

Remain calm and in complete control when children have not completed their tasks. Your mood will have an immense impact on the child's behavior. Your being calm will instill in the child a sense of security, a sense of strength, a sense of stability. You will soon become an object of the child's admiration. Kids love it when their parents are composed and in control.

Always be on the lookout for opportunities to let your children know how much you appreciate what they do, and how able and valued they are!

Product References

Find more detailed examples, role-playing, experiences, and explanations in audio, visual, and printed media on our Products page..

The Power of Positive Parenting (book); pp 265-272

Parenting Prescriptions (audio); tape: vol 2, side 2